God created us for relationship, relationship with Him foremost, and then with other human beings. The most emotionally, intellectually, and physically intimate relationship we can ever have with another human is with our spouse. Within the context of marriage we should find safe harbor and refuge, yet, so often and so unfortunate is the fact that this turns out not to be the case. If it is the desire of those who enter into the sacred covenant of marriage to have a safe place to fall, why is it we often times find it so difficult?
In order to have healthy, positive interaction within a marriage, it is essential for each spouse to understand his or her emotional past going back to childhood. You may not realize or believe it, but it’s true. We all have tender places in our hearts left by past hurts, fears, and sensitivities. Experiences we have had over the course of our lives, especially in childhood, create and shape our tender spots and vulnerabilities of today.
All the experiences and interactions from our early relationships are internalized and become the lens through which we view ourselves, view others, and view the world around us. This lens shapes our perspective, beliefs, and expectations regarding how to love and react when we feel disconnected. Marriage can either confirm our internal lens and old patterns of relating or create opportunities for new and healthier experiences and patterns. God can use marriage as a place where we are not only refined, but also healed. When we are able to connect to our spouse emotionally, they become part of the healing process of our old childhood wounds. When experiences in your marriage today are similar to the hurtful experiences you have had in the past, they trigger the same hurts, fears, and responses. When a current situation touches old wounds, it sets in motion an automatic reaction, which is exactly the way we responded when we first experienced that hurt.
For example, if while growing up you felt that no one was there for you and you had to take care of yourself, you will probably feel the same way when your spouse fails to do something that is important to you. If you reacted by a sense of “I can’t count on anyone” by becoming disconnected and more self-reliant, you will probably also seek a more separate, self-reliant life apart from your spouse. By withdrawing and doing things without your spouse, you will find less conflict and less pain. It is a self-protective behavior that does nothing to enhance the marital relationship, but only creates more emotional distance. It becomes an empty and vicious cycle.
If you are, however, able to analyze the situation and separate out what is “now” and what is “past” or “childhood,” then you are empowered to make proactive, intentional choices about the way you think and behave within the context of your marriage. You can choose to learn healthy communication skills, choose to assume positive intent on the part of your spouse, seek understanding and clarification rather than go on the defense, attack or withdraw. It is about becoming conscious and intentional about your relationship rather than unconscious and reactive.
The Word of God says, “We should love people not only with words and talk, but by our actions and true caring.” 1 John 3:18
“When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do well to those who listen to you. Do not be bitter or angry or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others. Never do anything evil. Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.” Ephesians 4:29, 31-32
Be empowered, not a victim. You can do this by choosing to be a safe place for your spouse. Choose to listen more, give your best effort to view the situation through the lens of your spouse, and seek understanding. Be willing to apologize and forgive. Focus on the good in your spouse. Nurture both of your inner children by choosing to be more playful, fun, adventurous, and loving. Make time for a caring, loving and a fun sex life. Go to God in prayer and look to Him as your Source for courage and peace.
If you’ve found this information helpful please stop back next week when I’ll be sharing more insight into discovering your optimal marriage. By all means, please feel free to share this blog with others who may find it useful!
Your Friend, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.
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