Because He Loves You…

I thought that this week I would depart my normal blog of the written word and instead share a wonderful video to help uplift and encourage all of you.  I want to thank my stepson, Seth Kester, who is currently on a three month  missions assignment in Ludwigslust, Germany.  He posted this video on his Facebook page, and thus gave me the opportunity to share this wonderful gift with you.

Being loved outrageously, and loving outrageously forms the makings of a wonderful marriage. The video is by Graham Cooke, and is called Inheritance.  Please enjoy and be encouraged!

Help! Stress Is Killing My Marriage…

I’ve chosen to write about stress this week because it’s such an unbelievably common issue that I’m seeing within my marriage counseling practice.  In fact, stress is one of the biggest factors negatively impacting marriage relationships today.  The demands of modern life have resulted in many a couple putting their relationship at the bottom of the proverbial priority list.  That is if their marriage even makes that priority list anymore

I’ve heard it said that If Satan can’t find a way to get us to be inactive; he will get behind us and push us to the extreme.  Did you know that two-thirds of patients seen by doctors are seen for stress-related illnesses?  Stress, especially chronic stress, has devastating effects on our physical and mental well being, and thus our marriages.

With full workweeks, running kids around to school and various activities, chores, church and community commitments, there is precious little time for kindling connectedness and romance.  Without a continuous infusion of quality time, a relationship will languish and eventually end up on life support gasping for air.   Slowly and steadily over the course of time as we allow the stresses of life to steal our joy of a happy marriage, that which we should cherish most begins to die. The tragedy I see all to often are couples, once the kids have left the nest, looking at each other like strangers they barely know. Worse yet, strangers they don’t even like.  How does one look forward to their golden years with a person with whom they have absolutely no connection?

Though I can’t cover the complete gamut of stress reduction in this short blog, please let me give you a very important tip here. Just say “NO”.  In her book, We Never Seem To Have Enough Time, author Catherine Pulsifer says, “We need to maintain a proper balance in our life by allocating the time we have. There are occasions where saying no is the best time management practice there is.” Say no to being involved with too many programs, too many commitments, too many must haves, too many keeping up with the Jones’.

Another stress reducing tip that seems so simple yet is so hard for many to grasp is getting and keeping your priorities straight.  If you want a great marriage make God priority one.  Make your husband or wife priority two, and be totally sold out to your marriage.  Do this every single day and every other relationship and commitment you have will have far greater purpose, meaning, and joy.

Do we really have to have our schedules so jammed packed with activity?  Do we have to work those really long hours?  Do the kids have to be in every activity under the sun?  Have we succumb to a “Crackberry” addiction?  God wants us to enjoy our lives and our relationships.  I doubt that Jesus was ever “stressed out!”  He had a great ministry, but he also knew how to relax, get away, and just enjoy his family and friends

Jesus warned us not to let the “cares of this world” rob us of the abundant life that He promised.  Remember, we create our own schedules – no one else – and we have the responsibility to take care that we carve out time to invest in those people most important to us. Learn to say “NO” to so many activities that have absolutely no eternal benefit.  Don’t allow “good” to take the place of  “best”! Keep your priorities straight.  Be sure to give your spouse some special time and attention today and everyday.  You’ll be happy you did, and so will they!

Luke 21:34  “But take heed to yourselves and be on your guard, lest your hearts be overburdened and depressed with the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence and drunkenness, and worldly worries and cares pertaining to the business of this life, and lest that day come upon you suddenly like a trap or a noose.”

Five Things Every Marriage Needs!

• Altruism: Couples who put each other’s happiness first are much more satisfied with their marriages than ones who don’t.
• Friends: One-on-one time is nice and necessary, but you both also need the social outlet, companionship, and support of others.
• Commitment: Total dedication to the relationship means you’re more likely to work at keeping it strong.
• In-Jokes: They may sound like something out of junior high, but those pet names and silly secrets help keep you connected.
• Rituals: Things like texting “I love you,” traditions such as going to the same restaurant on every anniversary, and nightly kisses energize and enrich you both.

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Keeping The Romance Alive

“I would have rummaged, ransacked at the word; those old corners of an empty heart; for remnants of dim love the long disused, and dusty crumbling of romance!”

Robert Browning

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches I think it’s a good time for a quick romance checkup.  Ask yourself; are you eagerly anticipating the romantic celebration of your love, or are you once again dreading your all too regular disappointment with the lack of passion in your relationship?

It’s an all-too-common scenario.  In the beginning it’s flowers, intimate dinners for two, breakfast in bed, and sexy lingerie.  But as the passion of courtship cools, it’s more like ESPN, takeout, sleeping in with our backs to one-another, and sweatpants.  But listen carefully, your love life doesn’t have to be humdrum, and it certainly doesn’t take mammoth effort to rekindle the flames of romance all over again.

Romance starts by getting our priorities straight. The busyness and routine of daily life can be romance killers if you allow them to be, but only if you allow them to be. While the tasks of everyday life are important, e.g. the kids, jobs, and chores, it is crucial to make time for your relationship!  It’s too easy to put our marriages on the bottom of our priority list, on the proverbial “back burner.”  For some reason we allow ourselves to take our spouses for granted by believing they will be the ones that will always be there, the ones we can cherish last, when everything else is done. Unfortunately you may wake one day, like so many others, to discover your marriage is done, long before you got around to making your spouse your priority!  It takes more effort and mindfulness to keep our priorities straight—God first, our marriage second, children third, then work, others, etc.—but so very worth it!

If you want to put romance back in your relationship spoil your spouse and not your children.  Find some way to make your husband or wife to feel special every single day. Romantic gestures are a great way to nurture your relationship.  Take a few minutes to let your spouse know how much you care and appreciate them.  Leaving little love notes around for your spouse to find or texting/emailing romantic messages can really brighten their day.  Helping out with little things like doing the dishes, making the bed, or running the vacuum—especially when it’s not your responsibility—go a long way in demonstrating your love.  Of course, don’t forget to speak the words “I love you.”

It’s been said that you should always give those you love something to look forward to.  Take the effort to make that happen.  It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming, just give of yourself.  Having daily devotional time together, setting date nights for just the two of you, giving yourselves a weekend to get away by yourselves, and even just taking the time to enjoy sit-down meals together at home can provide the quality time necessary to grow your relationship and in turn kindle romance.  Be sure to share hugs, kisses, and affectionate touches.  Recall the early days of your relationship and make plans to do those things that were fun and brought the two of you together in the first place.

Taking pride in your appearance also shows that you care about yourself and your spouse.  Keeping your body in shape and staying current with hairstyle and fashion trends demonstrates that you still care about the relationship and staying attractive to your spouse.  Look for ways to pamper your beloved like letting them sleep in while you care for the kids, giving them a massage, cleaning up after dinner while they relax, or bringing them a special treat or gift that you know they’ll love “just because.”

Keep the lines of communication open in your relationship.  If you feel you’ve dropped to the bottom of your partner’s priority list, speak up. If you feel like your love life has gone from “hot” to “not,” share your feelings with your spouse.  Don’t blame or criticize, but rather focus on creating the relationship you both want.  Talking in front of your spouse to someone else about your partner’s good points is romantic, too.  Bragging on your spouse within their earshot will certainly bring a smile to their face!

Every marriage needs healthy doses of romance to add spice, delight, and fun to the relationship.  You have to find ways to keep the sizzle going as the months and years go by.  If you don’t, you can quickly go from being lovers to relating only as friends, siblings, or “business partners.”

Romance stays alive by keeping our figurative “crock pot of love” simmering everyday.  When it’s time for a special romantic occasion like Valentine’s Day, just add a little heat, just add a little spice, and look out world…

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How Our Past Affects Our Present…

God created us for relationship, relationship with Him foremost, and then with other human beings.  The most emotionally, intellectually, and physically intimate relationship we can ever have with another human is with our spouse.  Within the context of marriage we should find safe harbor and refuge, yet, so often and so unfortunate is the fact that this turns out not to be the case. If it is the desire of those who enter into the sacred covenant of marriage to have a safe place to fall, why is it we often times find it so difficult?

In order to have healthy, positive interaction within a marriage, it is essential for each spouse to understand his or her emotional past going back to childhood.  You may not realize or believe it, but it’s true.  We all have tender places in our hearts left by past hurts, fears, and sensitivities.  Experiences we have had over the course of our lives, especially in childhood, create and shape our tender spots and vulnerabilities of today.

All the experiences and interactions from our early relationships are internalized and become the lens through which we view ourselves, view others, and view the world around us.  This lens shapes our perspective, beliefs, and expectations regarding how to love and react when we feel disconnected. Marriage can either confirm our internal lens and old patterns of relating or create opportunities for new and healthier experiences and patterns.  God can use marriage as a place where we are not only refined, but also healed. When we are able to connect to our spouse emotionally, they become part of the healing process of our old childhood wounds. When experiences in your marriage today are similar to the hurtful experiences you have had in the past, they trigger the same hurts, fears, and responses.  When a current situation touches old wounds, it sets in motion an automatic reaction, which is exactly the way we responded when we first experienced that hurt.

For example, if while growing up you felt that no one was there for you and you had to take care of yourself, you will probably feel the same way when your spouse fails to do something that is important to you.  If you reacted by a sense of “I can’t count on anyone” by becoming disconnected and more self-reliant, you will probably also seek a more separate, self-reliant life apart from your spouse.  By withdrawing and doing things without your spouse, you will find less conflict and less pain.  It is a self-protective behavior that does nothing to enhance the marital relationship, but only creates more emotional distance.  It becomes an empty and vicious cycle.

If you are, however, able to analyze the situation and separate out what is “now” and what is “past” or “childhood,” then you are empowered to make proactive, intentional choices about the way you think and behave within the context of your marriage. You can choose to learn healthy communication skills, choose to assume positive intent on the part of your spouse, seek understanding and clarification rather than go on the defense, attack or withdraw.  It is about becoming conscious and intentional about your relationship rather than unconscious and reactive.

The Word of God says, “We should love people not only with words and talk, but by our actions and true caring.”  1 John 3:18

“When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger.  Then what you say will do well to those who listen to you.  Do not be bitter or angry or mad.  Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others.  Never do anything evil.  Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.”  Ephesians 4:29, 31-32

Be empowered, not a victim.  You can do this by choosing to be a safe place for your spouse. Choose to listen more, give your best effort to view the situation through the lens of your spouse, and seek understanding.  Be willing to apologize and forgive.  Focus on the good in your spouse.  Nurture both of your inner children by choosing to be more playful, fun, adventurous, and loving.  Make time for a caring, loving and a fun sex life.  Go to God in prayer and look to Him as your Source for courage and peace.

If you’ve found this information helpful please stop back next week when I’ll be sharing more insight into discovering your optimal marriage.  By all means, please feel free to share this blog with others who may find it useful!

Your Friend, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.

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