Because He Loves You…

I thought that this week I would depart my normal blog of the written word and instead share a wonderful video to help uplift and encourage all of you.  I want to thank my stepson, Seth Kester, who is currently on a three month  missions assignment in Ludwigslust, Germany.  He posted this video on his Facebook page, and thus gave me the opportunity to share this wonderful gift with you.

Being loved outrageously, and loving outrageously forms the makings of a wonderful marriage. The video is by Graham Cooke, and is called Inheritance.  Please enjoy and be encouraged!

Failure To Communicate…

“What we got here is…failure to communicate!”

Many of you from my generation will remember the wonderful 1967 movie classic, “Cool Hand Luke”. Those from younger generations perhaps have been fortunate enough to see it on DVD. The movie follows the struggle of a petty criminal, Luke Jackson, played by Paul Newman, and his inability to adjust to the cruel dealings of a southern prison. The sadistic Prison Road Captain, played by Strother Martin, has the avowed ambition of forcing every prisoner under his care to, “Get his mind right”.  Well, as you can imagine, that philosophy just didn’t sit too well with Luke.

That leads me to a memorable quote from the movie, and the basis for the topic of this post, and that is communication. At one point in the movie, The Prison Road Captain takes a club to Luke and proclaims, “What we got here is…failure to communicate!”  Obviously, there are many ways to communicate in life and in marriage. Some forms of communication are productive, and some are incredibly destructive.

I can trace almost every problem couples present in my office back to a failure to communicate effectively.  First and foremost, effective communication is positive communication; it is the key to an emotionally healthy relationship. Positive communication always includes such things as assuming positive intent on the part of one another. Meaning that we do not assume that our spouse is out to intentionally hurt us but rather quite the opposite, to help us.  Positive communication is the ability to address any issue in such a way that the ensuing dialogue is productive and leaves everyone involved feeling good about the exchange of thoughts, feelings, ideas and solutions.  Positive communication never includes verbal abuse, name-calling, yelling, bullying, sarcasm, criticism or defensiveness. Let me quickly add a caveat by saying this does not mean that we can never complain about anything or that we have to sweep all perceived problems under the rug.  That is not healthy either. What I am saying is that there is a right way, and a wrong way, to deal with your complaints.

Let’s talk about the difference between complaining and criticizing. Herein lies the crucial distinction to understanding each other when trying to work through our marital difficulties.  Let me again emphasize that, the vast majority of problems couples bring into my office have their root in communication difficulties. All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouse. We also need to make sure our spouse knows they have the right to complain to us. In a healthy marriage, there is a freedom of expression that allows us to talk openly without fear of retribution or shame.  Each spouse must be a safe person with whom to share any thoughts and feelings.  When we complain, it’s important to remember that it isn’t about our spouse, it’s about us.  It’s about the way we feel about something they did or said that bothered us.  For example, if my husband has done something that bothers me and I confront him about it, I would say something like, “Honey, you seem distant from me this morning and I’m troubled by it.  I don’t know if anything is wrong, you may be upset with me or it might be something else, but I don’t like it when I feel like you’re keeping me at a distance.  If I’ve done something to upset you, then I want you to tell me.”  See how I didn’t start out by accusing or attacking him.  I began by sharing how I felt and my need to understand what was happening.  I also stated that I wanted to know if I had done something wrong so I could take responsibility for it.  This method of communication gets everything out on the table but leaves our spouse emotionally intact without feeling hurt and a need go on the defensive.

Criticizing is different than complaining.  Very different.  In fact, Dr. John Gottman says he can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not.  John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, including the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker magazine.

Gottman bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms. In his 1994 book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman uses the biblical metaphor of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. It’s interesting to note that he calls his very first apocalyptic horseman of destructive communication, criticism.

Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. Criticism attacks our partner at their very core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.  An example of a complaint would be: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” Criticism, on the other hand would be, “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful; you just don’t think about me.”  I hope you can see the difference, and how important that difference is in the way we communicate and feel about our relationships.

Criticizing just doesn’t work.  Not in marriages, not as parents, not in the work place, not in any relationship under heaven. Why? Because it destroys self: self worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead, in their place lies a wake of brokenness, hurt, shame, loneliness and resentfulness. The list of negative and confusing emotions that criticizing inflicts just goes on and on. Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I want you to ask yourself today, are your words to your spouse more like a sword being thrust in their side, or more like a gentle, loving, healing, touch?

In order to keep your communication positive, you must be very careful to position your confrontations first with love, affirmation and respect for your spouse. Keep your emotions and mouth under control.  Focus on how you feel and allow your spouse the right to complain back to you and explain what is going on inside of them.  Listen, reflect back, and validate each other’s feelings.  If you do this, you will open up the lines of communication and be able to talk more freely with each other, without the risk of hurting each other.  The fruit of positive and affirming communication is successful conflict resolution, as well as greater intimacy, greater friendship and a much more enjoyable relationship.

Janet’s Recommended Reading For This Post:

How Couples Can Resolve Conflict…

Hi, It’s Me, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.

I must confess that I have wanted to write a blog for a very long time now, but I have struggled for weeks with how to get started.  Then it dawned on me today that it wasn’t how I wrote the blog, but why I was writing it.  So welcome, I sure do appreciate you stopping by to take a look, but most of all I’m trusting that you’ll gain something insightful and useful!

I’ve been a therapist for many years now and have worked with countless couples with just about every marital issue you can imagine.  A veritable “A to Z” or “Soup to Nuts” list of marriage strife has walked through my door.  So please trust me when I tell you, that you are not alone, no matter what situation you may be facing!

I love what I do, and my passion is helping couples work through issues that are barriers to enjoying the marriage that God intended.  Through this blog I hope to expand the walls of my office to encompass the web community and provide help to all couples living in less than optimal marriages.  The goal of my blog is to talk about the issues most commonly presented to me by couples and the various ways to resolve them.

The first issue I want to discuss is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and perhaps it may be a matter of contention for you as well. That issue is simply the inability to find resolution to problems.  It’s painful to see couple after couple that seemingly have so much going for them, destroy their relationship because of unresolved conflict.

Many couples approach conflict resolution like two generals squaring off in a battlefield engagement, or perhaps like two rival coaches locked in a hard fought sports game of some sort.  Their way of thinking is that there can only be one “winner” and one “loser.”  “Somebody is right, and somebody is wrong.”  Of course no one wants to be the loser, and no one wants to be wrong.  Unfortunately, you have to understand that if this is the current way you are trying to resolve your issues, everyone loses!  If you are a spouse that does give in to your partner, you often end up harboring resentment, am I right?  This resentment in turn negatively affects the emotional temperature of the entire relationship and the entire household.  It creates a trickle down effect or “catch 22” scenario that becomes oh so destructive to any marriage relationship.

The key to resolving your conflicts is to find a way to get “on the same page” as your spouse as much as possible.  When you focus all of your emotional energy on your conflicts, you often lose sight of your common goals and values as a couple, and as a family.  You very often want the same thing, but often have conflict about the means to accomplish it.  Good questions for you to ask yourselves are “How can we each get what we want?” and  “How can we come out of this situation with a win-win?”  Asking these questions will redefine your conflicts in terms of wants and needs instead of winners and losers.  This will reveal options where before there seemed to be none, and encourage cooperation so husband, wife, and family all can win.  It will bring you together as a team and help you view your conflict or problem as the “enemy”, and not each other.  When you as a couple work together to solve a problem in a way where you both win, it creates an atmosphere where neither of you ever wants to see the other lose.

Yes, conflict is a reality in all marriages!  How you deal with conflict is the ultimate test of your ability to communicate as a couple.  It is vital that both wife and husband approach each other with kindness and concern thus creating a trusting atmosphere that is conducive to effective communication and problem solving.  Resentment, rejection, and fear create a threatening environment that destroys communication.  God provides us with meaningful insights into effectively resolving conflict.  His Word says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.  (Ephesians 4:29)  We are to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave us” and to “clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12).

Remember, every marriage encounters conflict.  It’s how you deal with it that matters.  In conflict we have an opportunity to choose to trust God and His principles that lead to restoration and resolution, or we can follow our own human nature that leads to continued pain and destruction.

Janet’s Recommended Reading For This Post: