The Power In What We Say…

Hi Everybody!  Although I have written before on the importance of positive communication, it definitely bears repeating.  Whenever we speak, the words we use do not just evaporate!  Words are containers of power and great influence—either for the good or the bad—depending on the words we choose to use.  What we say and the words that we use can lead to serious trouble.

I’m reminded of an anecdote about a hotheaded woman who once approached the great evangelist John Wesley and said, “My talent is to speak my mind.” Rev. Wesley simply replied, “Woman, God wouldn’t care a bit if you would bury that talent.”

Throughout the Bible God warns us about our tongues for good reason!

Proverbs 10:19:  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 12:18:  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 17:27:  A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

Proverbs 17:28:  Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise.

Proverbs 18:21:  Live and death are in the power of the tongue…And those who love it will eat its fruit.

The power of words is such that if we’re not careful, words can destroy our marriage, family, relationships in general, and our reputation.  When consumed in the emotional heat of an argument with your spouse, how often have you spewed caustic, negative words to them?  How often have you torn down your spouse by being sarcastic (aka an insult wrapped in humor), critical, judgmental, or demeaning?  How often do you speak loving, appreciative, or encouraging words to them?  What kind of response do you get when you speak in negative or positive words?  Words are powerful! Choose your words carefully!  Wisdom is the ability to make Godly choices.  Make Godly choices in how you speak to others—build others up, be an encourager, and learn to confront issues and problem-solve in ways in which everyone involved feels good about the interaction.  Make it a point to notice the good in others and tell them.   Be appreciative and loving toward others, especially your spouse.

Proverbs 15:4:  A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Proverbs 16:24:  Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

It seems to be human nature to gravitate toward the negative, and being negative can be a hard habit to break.  Starting right now, make a commitment to be mindful and intentional about speaking positive things into the lives of your loved ones and watch what happens!  Trust me, over time you will get back more than you give from those around you!  As you daily practice being a positive person, eventually you won’t even have to think about it, it will be so natural that it will just be who you are!

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Help! Stress Is Killing My Marriage…

I’ve chosen to write about stress this week because it’s such an unbelievably common issue that I’m seeing within my marriage counseling practice.  In fact, stress is one of the biggest factors negatively impacting marriage relationships today.  The demands of modern life have resulted in many a couple putting their relationship at the bottom of the proverbial priority list.  That is if their marriage even makes that priority list anymore

I’ve heard it said that If Satan can’t find a way to get us to be inactive; he will get behind us and push us to the extreme.  Did you know that two-thirds of patients seen by doctors are seen for stress-related illnesses?  Stress, especially chronic stress, has devastating effects on our physical and mental well being, and thus our marriages.

With full workweeks, running kids around to school and various activities, chores, church and community commitments, there is precious little time for kindling connectedness and romance.  Without a continuous infusion of quality time, a relationship will languish and eventually end up on life support gasping for air.   Slowly and steadily over the course of time as we allow the stresses of life to steal our joy of a happy marriage, that which we should cherish most begins to die. The tragedy I see all to often are couples, once the kids have left the nest, looking at each other like strangers they barely know. Worse yet, strangers they don’t even like.  How does one look forward to their golden years with a person with whom they have absolutely no connection?

Though I can’t cover the complete gamut of stress reduction in this short blog, please let me give you a very important tip here. Just say “NO”.  In her book, We Never Seem To Have Enough Time, author Catherine Pulsifer says, “We need to maintain a proper balance in our life by allocating the time we have. There are occasions where saying no is the best time management practice there is.” Say no to being involved with too many programs, too many commitments, too many must haves, too many keeping up with the Jones’.

Another stress reducing tip that seems so simple yet is so hard for many to grasp is getting and keeping your priorities straight.  If you want a great marriage make God priority one.  Make your husband or wife priority two, and be totally sold out to your marriage.  Do this every single day and every other relationship and commitment you have will have far greater purpose, meaning, and joy.

Do we really have to have our schedules so jammed packed with activity?  Do we have to work those really long hours?  Do the kids have to be in every activity under the sun?  Have we succumb to a “Crackberry” addiction?  God wants us to enjoy our lives and our relationships.  I doubt that Jesus was ever “stressed out!”  He had a great ministry, but he also knew how to relax, get away, and just enjoy his family and friends

Jesus warned us not to let the “cares of this world” rob us of the abundant life that He promised.  Remember, we create our own schedules – no one else – and we have the responsibility to take care that we carve out time to invest in those people most important to us. Learn to say “NO” to so many activities that have absolutely no eternal benefit.  Don’t allow “good” to take the place of  “best”! Keep your priorities straight.  Be sure to give your spouse some special time and attention today and everyday.  You’ll be happy you did, and so will they!

Luke 21:34  “But take heed to yourselves and be on your guard, lest your hearts be overburdened and depressed with the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence and drunkenness, and worldly worries and cares pertaining to the business of this life, and lest that day come upon you suddenly like a trap or a noose.”

Five Things Every Marriage Needs!

• Altruism: Couples who put each other’s happiness first are much more satisfied with their marriages than ones who don’t.
• Friends: One-on-one time is nice and necessary, but you both also need the social outlet, companionship, and support of others.
• Commitment: Total dedication to the relationship means you’re more likely to work at keeping it strong.
• In-Jokes: They may sound like something out of junior high, but those pet names and silly secrets help keep you connected.
• Rituals: Things like texting “I love you,” traditions such as going to the same restaurant on every anniversary, and nightly kisses energize and enrich you both.

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Failure To Communicate…

“What we got here is…failure to communicate!”

Many of you from my generation will remember the wonderful 1967 movie classic, “Cool Hand Luke”. Those from younger generations perhaps have been fortunate enough to see it on DVD. The movie follows the struggle of a petty criminal, Luke Jackson, played by Paul Newman, and his inability to adjust to the cruel dealings of a southern prison. The sadistic Prison Road Captain, played by Strother Martin, has the avowed ambition of forcing every prisoner under his care to, “Get his mind right”.  Well, as you can imagine, that philosophy just didn’t sit too well with Luke.

That leads me to a memorable quote from the movie, and the basis for the topic of this post, and that is communication. At one point in the movie, The Prison Road Captain takes a club to Luke and proclaims, “What we got here is…failure to communicate!”  Obviously, there are many ways to communicate in life and in marriage. Some forms of communication are productive, and some are incredibly destructive.

I can trace almost every problem couples present in my office back to a failure to communicate effectively.  First and foremost, effective communication is positive communication; it is the key to an emotionally healthy relationship. Positive communication always includes such things as assuming positive intent on the part of one another. Meaning that we do not assume that our spouse is out to intentionally hurt us but rather quite the opposite, to help us.  Positive communication is the ability to address any issue in such a way that the ensuing dialogue is productive and leaves everyone involved feeling good about the exchange of thoughts, feelings, ideas and solutions.  Positive communication never includes verbal abuse, name-calling, yelling, bullying, sarcasm, criticism or defensiveness. Let me quickly add a caveat by saying this does not mean that we can never complain about anything or that we have to sweep all perceived problems under the rug.  That is not healthy either. What I am saying is that there is a right way, and a wrong way, to deal with your complaints.

Let’s talk about the difference between complaining and criticizing. Herein lies the crucial distinction to understanding each other when trying to work through our marital difficulties.  Let me again emphasize that, the vast majority of problems couples bring into my office have their root in communication difficulties. All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouse. We also need to make sure our spouse knows they have the right to complain to us. In a healthy marriage, there is a freedom of expression that allows us to talk openly without fear of retribution or shame.  Each spouse must be a safe person with whom to share any thoughts and feelings.  When we complain, it’s important to remember that it isn’t about our spouse, it’s about us.  It’s about the way we feel about something they did or said that bothered us.  For example, if my husband has done something that bothers me and I confront him about it, I would say something like, “Honey, you seem distant from me this morning and I’m troubled by it.  I don’t know if anything is wrong, you may be upset with me or it might be something else, but I don’t like it when I feel like you’re keeping me at a distance.  If I’ve done something to upset you, then I want you to tell me.”  See how I didn’t start out by accusing or attacking him.  I began by sharing how I felt and my need to understand what was happening.  I also stated that I wanted to know if I had done something wrong so I could take responsibility for it.  This method of communication gets everything out on the table but leaves our spouse emotionally intact without feeling hurt and a need go on the defensive.

Criticizing is different than complaining.  Very different.  In fact, Dr. John Gottman says he can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not.  John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, including the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker magazine.

Gottman bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms. In his 1994 book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman uses the biblical metaphor of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. It’s interesting to note that he calls his very first apocalyptic horseman of destructive communication, criticism.

Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. Criticism attacks our partner at their very core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.  An example of a complaint would be: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” Criticism, on the other hand would be, “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful; you just don’t think about me.”  I hope you can see the difference, and how important that difference is in the way we communicate and feel about our relationships.

Criticizing just doesn’t work.  Not in marriages, not as parents, not in the work place, not in any relationship under heaven. Why? Because it destroys self: self worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead, in their place lies a wake of brokenness, hurt, shame, loneliness and resentfulness. The list of negative and confusing emotions that criticizing inflicts just goes on and on. Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I want you to ask yourself today, are your words to your spouse more like a sword being thrust in their side, or more like a gentle, loving, healing, touch?

In order to keep your communication positive, you must be very careful to position your confrontations first with love, affirmation and respect for your spouse. Keep your emotions and mouth under control.  Focus on how you feel and allow your spouse the right to complain back to you and explain what is going on inside of them.  Listen, reflect back, and validate each other’s feelings.  If you do this, you will open up the lines of communication and be able to talk more freely with each other, without the risk of hurting each other.  The fruit of positive and affirming communication is successful conflict resolution, as well as greater intimacy, greater friendship and a much more enjoyable relationship.

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How Couples Can Resolve Conflict…

Hi, It’s Me, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.

I must confess that I have wanted to write a blog for a very long time now, but I have struggled for weeks with how to get started.  Then it dawned on me today that it wasn’t how I wrote the blog, but why I was writing it.  So welcome, I sure do appreciate you stopping by to take a look, but most of all I’m trusting that you’ll gain something insightful and useful!

I’ve been a therapist for many years now and have worked with countless couples with just about every marital issue you can imagine.  A veritable “A to Z” or “Soup to Nuts” list of marriage strife has walked through my door.  So please trust me when I tell you, that you are not alone, no matter what situation you may be facing!

I love what I do, and my passion is helping couples work through issues that are barriers to enjoying the marriage that God intended.  Through this blog I hope to expand the walls of my office to encompass the web community and provide help to all couples living in less than optimal marriages.  The goal of my blog is to talk about the issues most commonly presented to me by couples and the various ways to resolve them.

The first issue I want to discuss is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and perhaps it may be a matter of contention for you as well. That issue is simply the inability to find resolution to problems.  It’s painful to see couple after couple that seemingly have so much going for them, destroy their relationship because of unresolved conflict.

Many couples approach conflict resolution like two generals squaring off in a battlefield engagement, or perhaps like two rival coaches locked in a hard fought sports game of some sort.  Their way of thinking is that there can only be one “winner” and one “loser.”  “Somebody is right, and somebody is wrong.”  Of course no one wants to be the loser, and no one wants to be wrong.  Unfortunately, you have to understand that if this is the current way you are trying to resolve your issues, everyone loses!  If you are a spouse that does give in to your partner, you often end up harboring resentment, am I right?  This resentment in turn negatively affects the emotional temperature of the entire relationship and the entire household.  It creates a trickle down effect or “catch 22” scenario that becomes oh so destructive to any marriage relationship.

The key to resolving your conflicts is to find a way to get “on the same page” as your spouse as much as possible.  When you focus all of your emotional energy on your conflicts, you often lose sight of your common goals and values as a couple, and as a family.  You very often want the same thing, but often have conflict about the means to accomplish it.  Good questions for you to ask yourselves are “How can we each get what we want?” and  “How can we come out of this situation with a win-win?”  Asking these questions will redefine your conflicts in terms of wants and needs instead of winners and losers.  This will reveal options where before there seemed to be none, and encourage cooperation so husband, wife, and family all can win.  It will bring you together as a team and help you view your conflict or problem as the “enemy”, and not each other.  When you as a couple work together to solve a problem in a way where you both win, it creates an atmosphere where neither of you ever wants to see the other lose.

Yes, conflict is a reality in all marriages!  How you deal with conflict is the ultimate test of your ability to communicate as a couple.  It is vital that both wife and husband approach each other with kindness and concern thus creating a trusting atmosphere that is conducive to effective communication and problem solving.  Resentment, rejection, and fear create a threatening environment that destroys communication.  God provides us with meaningful insights into effectively resolving conflict.  His Word says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.  (Ephesians 4:29)  We are to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave us” and to “clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12).

Remember, every marriage encounters conflict.  It’s how you deal with it that matters.  In conflict we have an opportunity to choose to trust God and His principles that lead to restoration and resolution, or we can follow our own human nature that leads to continued pain and destruction.

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