Help! Stress Is Killing My Marriage…

I’ve chosen to write about stress this week because it’s such an unbelievably common issue that I’m seeing within my marriage counseling practice.  In fact, stress is one of the biggest factors negatively impacting marriage relationships today.  The demands of modern life have resulted in many a couple putting their relationship at the bottom of the proverbial priority list.  That is if their marriage even makes that priority list anymore

I’ve heard it said that If Satan can’t find a way to get us to be inactive; he will get behind us and push us to the extreme.  Did you know that two-thirds of patients seen by doctors are seen for stress-related illnesses?  Stress, especially chronic stress, has devastating effects on our physical and mental well being, and thus our marriages.

With full workweeks, running kids around to school and various activities, chores, church and community commitments, there is precious little time for kindling connectedness and romance.  Without a continuous infusion of quality time, a relationship will languish and eventually end up on life support gasping for air.   Slowly and steadily over the course of time as we allow the stresses of life to steal our joy of a happy marriage, that which we should cherish most begins to die. The tragedy I see all to often are couples, once the kids have left the nest, looking at each other like strangers they barely know. Worse yet, strangers they don’t even like.  How does one look forward to their golden years with a person with whom they have absolutely no connection?

Though I can’t cover the complete gamut of stress reduction in this short blog, please let me give you a very important tip here. Just say “NO”.  In her book, We Never Seem To Have Enough Time, author Catherine Pulsifer says, “We need to maintain a proper balance in our life by allocating the time we have. There are occasions where saying no is the best time management practice there is.” Say no to being involved with too many programs, too many commitments, too many must haves, too many keeping up with the Jones’.

Another stress reducing tip that seems so simple yet is so hard for many to grasp is getting and keeping your priorities straight.  If you want a great marriage make God priority one.  Make your husband or wife priority two, and be totally sold out to your marriage.  Do this every single day and every other relationship and commitment you have will have far greater purpose, meaning, and joy.

Do we really have to have our schedules so jammed packed with activity?  Do we have to work those really long hours?  Do the kids have to be in every activity under the sun?  Have we succumb to a “Crackberry” addiction?  God wants us to enjoy our lives and our relationships.  I doubt that Jesus was ever “stressed out!”  He had a great ministry, but he also knew how to relax, get away, and just enjoy his family and friends

Jesus warned us not to let the “cares of this world” rob us of the abundant life that He promised.  Remember, we create our own schedules – no one else – and we have the responsibility to take care that we carve out time to invest in those people most important to us. Learn to say “NO” to so many activities that have absolutely no eternal benefit.  Don’t allow “good” to take the place of  “best”! Keep your priorities straight.  Be sure to give your spouse some special time and attention today and everyday.  You’ll be happy you did, and so will they!

Luke 21:34  “But take heed to yourselves and be on your guard, lest your hearts be overburdened and depressed with the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence and drunkenness, and worldly worries and cares pertaining to the business of this life, and lest that day come upon you suddenly like a trap or a noose.”

Five Things Every Marriage Needs!

• Altruism: Couples who put each other’s happiness first are much more satisfied with their marriages than ones who don’t.
• Friends: One-on-one time is nice and necessary, but you both also need the social outlet, companionship, and support of others.
• Commitment: Total dedication to the relationship means you’re more likely to work at keeping it strong.
• In-Jokes: They may sound like something out of junior high, but those pet names and silly secrets help keep you connected.
• Rituals: Things like texting “I love you,” traditions such as going to the same restaurant on every anniversary, and nightly kisses energize and enrich you both.

Janet’s Recommended Reading For This Post:

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How Couples Can Resolve Conflict…

Hi, It’s Me, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.

I must confess that I have wanted to write a blog for a very long time now, but I have struggled for weeks with how to get started.  Then it dawned on me today that it wasn’t how I wrote the blog, but why I was writing it.  So welcome, I sure do appreciate you stopping by to take a look, but most of all I’m trusting that you’ll gain something insightful and useful!

I’ve been a therapist for many years now and have worked with countless couples with just about every marital issue you can imagine.  A veritable “A to Z” or “Soup to Nuts” list of marriage strife has walked through my door.  So please trust me when I tell you, that you are not alone, no matter what situation you may be facing!

I love what I do, and my passion is helping couples work through issues that are barriers to enjoying the marriage that God intended.  Through this blog I hope to expand the walls of my office to encompass the web community and provide help to all couples living in less than optimal marriages.  The goal of my blog is to talk about the issues most commonly presented to me by couples and the various ways to resolve them.

The first issue I want to discuss is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and perhaps it may be a matter of contention for you as well. That issue is simply the inability to find resolution to problems.  It’s painful to see couple after couple that seemingly have so much going for them, destroy their relationship because of unresolved conflict.

Many couples approach conflict resolution like two generals squaring off in a battlefield engagement, or perhaps like two rival coaches locked in a hard fought sports game of some sort.  Their way of thinking is that there can only be one “winner” and one “loser.”  “Somebody is right, and somebody is wrong.”  Of course no one wants to be the loser, and no one wants to be wrong.  Unfortunately, you have to understand that if this is the current way you are trying to resolve your issues, everyone loses!  If you are a spouse that does give in to your partner, you often end up harboring resentment, am I right?  This resentment in turn negatively affects the emotional temperature of the entire relationship and the entire household.  It creates a trickle down effect or “catch 22” scenario that becomes oh so destructive to any marriage relationship.

The key to resolving your conflicts is to find a way to get “on the same page” as your spouse as much as possible.  When you focus all of your emotional energy on your conflicts, you often lose sight of your common goals and values as a couple, and as a family.  You very often want the same thing, but often have conflict about the means to accomplish it.  Good questions for you to ask yourselves are “How can we each get what we want?” and  “How can we come out of this situation with a win-win?”  Asking these questions will redefine your conflicts in terms of wants and needs instead of winners and losers.  This will reveal options where before there seemed to be none, and encourage cooperation so husband, wife, and family all can win.  It will bring you together as a team and help you view your conflict or problem as the “enemy”, and not each other.  When you as a couple work together to solve a problem in a way where you both win, it creates an atmosphere where neither of you ever wants to see the other lose.

Yes, conflict is a reality in all marriages!  How you deal with conflict is the ultimate test of your ability to communicate as a couple.  It is vital that both wife and husband approach each other with kindness and concern thus creating a trusting atmosphere that is conducive to effective communication and problem solving.  Resentment, rejection, and fear create a threatening environment that destroys communication.  God provides us with meaningful insights into effectively resolving conflict.  His Word says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.  (Ephesians 4:29)  We are to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave us” and to “clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12).

Remember, every marriage encounters conflict.  It’s how you deal with it that matters.  In conflict we have an opportunity to choose to trust God and His principles that lead to restoration and resolution, or we can follow our own human nature that leads to continued pain and destruction.

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