Hi, It’s Me, Janet Kester, The Christian Marriage Counselor.
I must confess that I have wanted to write a blog for a very long time now, but I have struggled for weeks with how to get started. Then it dawned on me today that it wasn’t how I wrote the blog, but why I was writing it. So welcome, I sure do appreciate you stopping by to take a look, but most of all I’m trusting that you’ll gain something insightful and useful!
I’ve been a therapist for many years now and have worked with countless couples with just about every marital issue you can imagine. A veritable “A to Z” or “Soup to Nuts” list of marriage strife has walked through my door. So please trust me when I tell you, that you are not alone, no matter what situation you may be facing!
I love what I do, and my passion is helping couples work through issues that are barriers to enjoying the marriage that God intended. Through this blog I hope to expand the walls of my office to encompass the web community and provide help to all couples living in less than optimal marriages. The goal of my blog is to talk about the issues most commonly presented to me by couples and the various ways to resolve them.
The first issue I want to discuss is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and perhaps it may be a matter of contention for you as well. That issue is simply the inability to find resolution to problems. It’s painful to see couple after couple that seemingly have so much going for them, destroy their relationship because of unresolved conflict.
Many couples approach conflict resolution like two generals squaring off in a battlefield engagement, or perhaps like two rival coaches locked in a hard fought sports game of some sort. Their way of thinking is that there can only be one “winner” and one “loser.” “Somebody is right, and somebody is wrong.” Of course no one wants to be the loser, and no one wants to be wrong. Unfortunately, you have to understand that if this is the current way you are trying to resolve your issues, everyone loses! If you are a spouse that does give in to your partner, you often end up harboring resentment, am I right? This resentment in turn negatively affects the emotional temperature of the entire relationship and the entire household. It creates a trickle down effect or “catch 22” scenario that becomes oh so destructive to any marriage relationship.
The key to resolving your conflicts is to find a way to get “on the same page” as your spouse as much as possible. When you focus all of your emotional energy on your conflicts, you often lose sight of your common goals and values as a couple, and as a family. You very often want the same thing, but often have conflict about the means to accomplish it. Good questions for you to ask yourselves are “How can we each get what we want?” and “How can we come out of this situation with a win-win?” Asking these questions will redefine your conflicts in terms of wants and needs instead of winners and losers. This will reveal options where before there seemed to be none, and encourage cooperation so husband, wife, and family all can win. It will bring you together as a team and help you view your conflict or problem as the “enemy”, and not each other. When you as a couple work together to solve a problem in a way where you both win, it creates an atmosphere where neither of you ever wants to see the other lose.
Yes, conflict is a reality in all marriages! How you deal with conflict is the ultimate test of your ability to communicate as a couple. It is vital that both wife and husband approach each other with kindness and concern thus creating a trusting atmosphere that is conducive to effective communication and problem solving. Resentment, rejection, and fear create a threatening environment that destroys communication. God provides us with meaningful insights into effectively resolving conflict. His Word says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29) We are to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave us” and to “clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12).
Remember, every marriage encounters conflict. It’s how you deal with it that matters. In conflict we have an opportunity to choose to trust God and His principles that lead to restoration and resolution, or we can follow our own human nature that leads to continued pain and destruction.
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Posted by Janet Kester 
